| She said. |
[11 Nov 2009|11:37am] |
I'm resentful towards those who crave sympathy.
I'm detached to those who believe they are truly suffering.
You don't know what you have until it's gone.
I'd work on my future...
But at the moment it's covered in vomit.
|
|
| Doxycillian. |
[11 Nov 2009|11:30am] |
The smoke that fills my body, has manifested into a blockade between me and my thoughts.
Tar is to my lungs, as dust is to shudders.
I send my love to my unborn.
I'm sorry I never thought of you.
I've progressively realized just how to calculate my own actions.
I'm not strong.
I merely forget.
It all comes back to me in dosages too small to clearify.
I'm not strong, I just don't remember anymore.
I miss you.
I don't think I'd say no...
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|
| On The Floor. |
[01 Nov 2009|12:40pm] |
Like a hawk scared of heights, I fear how I'm supposed to be.
Like a dove without wings, I am incapable.
I slept on another floor last night.
Pressed safely somewhere between breath and t-shirt.
The metal in your mouth fits tightly between my teeth.
Our insides were in sync.
I'll make it to the moon if I have to crawl.
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|
| Baby. |
[30 Oct 2009|01:01am] |
I can't do this.
I can't do this.
I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. I CAN'T FUCKING DO IT.
|
|
| Mm. |
[08 Oct 2009|04:55pm] |
Nightmares seem to ease my troubled mind.
It's no wonder I'm scared to fall asleep...until the sun rises.
|
|
| Lace, Lace, Love. |
[08 Oct 2009|04:52am] |
This is everything I've ever wanted.
More than I could have asked for, surely.
Why are my feet so cold, jumping in and out of the water.
The waves could lick my soles, but they could never touch my soul. [ah ha ha]
Why do I feel like I'm missing something...
Like something's just left me.
Everything's still here, baby.
Everything's still here.
I'll make it to the moon if I have to crawl.
|
|
| turn it on. |
[05 Oct 2009|02:17am] |
The stereo speaks to me in ways reality never could.
I'd rather live through these dreams, than become something real.
I'd rather pretend I'm more than I am...
Than see the disappointment I seem to carve into your crows feet.
I wish I was as elegant as the twists and curls of carbon dioxide.
I wish I was as vibrant as the hard acrylics and enamel.
I wish I was as flawless as I was intended to be.
Turn it up, turn it up.
Turn me on, turn me on.
|
|
| The lines. |
[04 Oct 2009|09:45pm] |
I can see my future, as it comes out in short breaths of smoke and oxygen.
No one said there'd be days like this.
When snapshots of the world could curl beneath my finger tips.
No one said there'd be words to say...
Written in the charcoal and paper.
No one said I'd have a future anyways.
I'm holding on to everything I thought would be promising.
I'm still holding on to it.
I'm keeping it close, and telling it to stay strong.
What makes something valuable?
|
|
| Hey cute kid. |
[03 Oct 2009|09:31pm] |
|
What makes something valuable?
|
|
| Dear. |
[02 Oct 2009|03:41am] |
Dear Tomas G. Sykes,
I've fallen for you, I really have. As much as it terrifies me, I think I'll stick around. Everyone I've ever loved, has hurt me in some way. I've lost just enough people in this world, to know how to appreciate what this life gives you. So long as you belong to me, you can call my arms home. You know, I never considered the future, until you pushed yourself into it. For a while, I've been covering up who I really am. The little bits I've begun to show you, however, you take in as your own. I am greatful. Please....just stay around, if only for a little longer.
Dear Christie P. Huff,
Girl, we've had times that I know I will never be able to replace. It's impossible to stay upset, when I have you to call on. We've known each other for a short time, in comparison to a lot of everyone else I hold in up-most adoration. But I would walk through fire and back for you. As much as we both hate the lovey dovey, mushy bullshit, I love you, kiddo.
Dear Cory D. McColl,
I know I've hurt you. You know you've hurt me. We've been through things fucked up enough to write a novel about. I'm not a reliable person, I won't pretend to be. However, just know that you could call me at the earliest hours of the morning, and I'd walk to you if I had to. People will come and go, and not understand the fine ties that we call 'friendship'. I'm glad you let me come back.
P.S. I know what's in your closet.
Dear Ravon L. Yates,
We've been through more than I ever really thought possible. I never dreamed that one day, I'd speak to you again. And words can't describe how glad I really am, that I can call you my friend. I know I'm not the best person to always be around. I'll come and go, and distance myself inexplicably. But I want you to know, that I will come back. Always have, haven't I? Whatever little comfort it really is. You've taught me a lot through my life time. Hell, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't know how to pack a bowl. But seriously, even when it doesn't feel like it, I'm still around. And I'll still be there, when you need me.
Dear Michael J. Newbery,
You weren't intending to, I'm sure. But you've made me appreciate the fine line between life and death, good and bad, love and hate. I faced my fears. I climbed metaphorical mountains, and you turned your back on me. I've learned the only person in this world strong enough to hold your weight, is yourself. I learned that the only person who can never lie to your face, is yourself. I learned to appreciate things when you have them, and appreciate them when they go astray. I learned that to fight for something, and lose it, only makes you a human being. I've learned that I'm so much more than human.
Dear Scott J. Patterson,
I don't know where you are, or where you went. I know you're never coming back. But you don't know. I lied to you. The most painful lie of my life, was said, as I looked into those phenomenally green eyes. Summer smells like broken hearts to me. Wherever you are, I want you to know, I'm a stronger person than I was then. And I'm sorry.
Dear Bernadine Hamilton,
I know I'm not perfect. I know what you wish I were. But you can't hold on to me forever. I'm not him, and I'm not you. I know you've made mistakes, I know you've felt what pain really is. But I wish you wouldn't underestimate mine. I wish you could only open your mind to possibilities that you can't see. I love you. I just wish you thought of me as the girl who wrote you that letter, who painted that music box...Than the girl you wish you could change.
Dear Charles A. Hamilton,
We barely know each other. I know I'll regret it one day.
Dear Amber L. Hamilton,
Sometimes I wish what I thought you were. But I understand now, you've only ever been the same person. People don't really change. I know you destroy yourself constantly, and I wish I could say that I love you. But I can't. I doubt I ever will. But there's a fuck load of people that love you. That you should think about, more often.
Love deeply,
Amberleigh.
|
|
| hlsfkjghjkhfg |
[02 Oct 2009|02:54am] |
|
I heard your voice through a photograph.
|
|
| Awake. |
[01 Oct 2009|04:22am] |
I've seen this world through 6650 days.
I've been breathing for every one.
I've been feeling the serenity and horrors around me, for every one.
I've seen what it's like to go insane.
What it's like to be alone.
What it's like to be an animal.
What it's like to have everything taken away.
I've never touched the ocean.
I've never been on stage.
I've never climbed a mountain.
I've never rushed through a cloud.
But I've seen 6650 days.
Tomorrow, it will be 6651.
I've loved.
I've hated.
I've seen.
I've heard.
I've felt.
I've spoken.
I've tasted.
I've sensed.
You may have seen oceans.
You may have climbed mountains.
But I'll swear to the god that spins the earth on his forefinger; that I've seen the world.
And I'll tell you, I've never seen something so beautiful while it dies.
|
|
| Initiation Road. |
[30 Sep 2009|08:16pm] |
What is exhilaration?
The darkening September air, screeching in my ears like an old friend. Eyes streaming with terror and thrill. Two hands beneath me, pushing me higher, and higher.
On coming traffic and we're done for, we're done for.
My voice comes out in unheard tones, carried away by the wind like bubbles. Never bursting, and floating higher, as we spiral downwards. Downwards.
Sobriety has never been less distasteful.
|
|
| Hello, Rain. |
[29 Sep 2009|01:07am] |
Maybe everything doesn't have to be so serious.
But maybe I could learn to draw lines.
Not just speak between them.
Do I hate who I've become?
You can't hate whom you don't know.
It's time to slow down.
|
|
| I feel. |
[29 Sep 2009|12:58am] |
My intelligence is slipping through my fingers like fine liquid. My hands remain empty of thought, as they press palm first against my forehead.
My skin speaks in languages of transparency, of serendipity that could never pass beyond my flesh. My veins are tangled together, it's almost suffocating.
I am losing everything that I could one day be proud of.
My emotions, though growing stronger by the day, seem to be lacking.
My once decaying bed of thought, much like a plant forced to live in a dry, dark closet, is alive with light and nourishment.
I am happy.
I am happy, but I am lacking.
I'm losing faith in everything that I could have held close to me, yesterday.
And so walls, I ask you....Who was I?
Because everything I've seen lately is so unfamiliar.
I never thought I'd be the one to not care.
I never wanted to be the one to not care.
I still don't know exactly who I am
I never will, amen
|
|
| 18. |
[28 Sep 2009|03:46pm] |
|
So what's worth fighting for?
|
|
| Lover Dearest. |
[28 Sep 2009|02:45am] |
Maybe I'm just dizzy enough to lay here.
Maybe I'm just strong enough to lay here, too.
It feels like eternity, it feels like a new start.
I can't get over myself long enough to help you, you know.
this place is a hole
but I don't want to go
I wish we could stay here
forever, alone
There's everything in between the spaces of nothingness. Strung together like cobwebs, but the only thing I've sought to catch is myself.
this time that we waste
but I still love your taste
don't let him take my place
don't just sit there...
We're young, we will learn. These concrete folds and damp city airs, make me wish I had a home to come back to, some days.
sometimes I wish you would leave me
oh, I'm not sick of you yet
as that as good as it gets
I'll just hide it
I could slip into you
you're so easy to come back into
I know you were scared, and I can't pretend I've never been. But there's a pull, and a weight, and they have a name. And maybe they'll keep me around.
I stayed for a while
and waited for words
seen but not heard
and struggled to try
my tongue is turning black
but I'll take you back
you're still the best
more or less
i guess
Sometimes I wish I wasn't myself. That the fine line between my addictions and self control, would be rearranged as simply as a cork board of pictures. But if you place every album from start to finish, you'll see how I've changed, and you'll see what I waste I could be.
it hurts me to say that it hurts me to stay
but it might be alright if you go
and it hurts me to say that i want you to stay
but it might be alright if you go
So let's take today, and hold it closer. Press it to the cold patches of skin that bathed in the early autumn breeze. I'll hold on to what fits, and I'll keep it close to me. Closer, and closer.
sometimes I think that the bitter in you
and the quitter in me
is the bitter in you
and the quitter in me
the bitter in you
and the quitter in me
is the bitter in you
and the quitter in me
the bitter in you
and the quitter in me
is the bitter in you
and the quitter in me
the bitter in you
and the quitter in me...
I hate it when you have to leave.
is bigger than the both of us.
|
|
| Evan. |
[14 Sep 2009|01:08am] |
there's a lit cigarette..
in the hand of my new angel
she's blowing smoke like halos
now there's a whole wide world
that wants to know
are cheap hotels still a turn on?
she's bathing in the neon
she's polluting all the air ways
while I'm passed out in the hallway
BEG ME.
|
|
| Wise Man. |
[14 Sep 2009|12:59am] |
You know, I forgot who I really was.
Who said, I was ever supposed to be happy?
Dealing with me must kill you.
I was mistaken when I thought I could forget this.
The nightmares are getting worse.
And sobriety doesn't feel as familiar to me...
I forgot the faces, the names.
I forgot the colours, the sounds.
But how could I forget you?
You'll never understand what you did...
Nobody will.
And after all of this time.
You still don't care.
And I still want to tear you apart.
I want to watch you feel like I have.
I...I am not vindictive.
I merely feel.
But that will end, won't it?
|
|
|
[14 Sep 2009|12:58am] |
At least I know, that no one will ever break me down, like you did.
It's good to know you're invincible.
|
|
| Liar, |
[28 Aug 2009|01:48am] |
I love you with my hands, she said.
I hate you with the rest.
|
|
| Lovers Walk. |
[26 Aug 2009|04:13am] |
You're red.
Almost blindingly.
I can't believe I'm telling you all this.
I can't believe that I wanted to.
I won't believe it.
I just....I fear.
I'm not crazy, love.
Just tortured.
|
|
| Fratillian. |
[19 Aug 2009|04:34am] |
suddenly..
everything's not how it used to be.
and I don't mean, anything's perfect.
no I just missed my own reflection.
and how long will this last for?
how and when, can I see you again?
I've set myself up for disaster...
everytime I look in your eyes..
I fell in love in a parking lot
the night that we were caught
under a summer sky
exploring each others' bodies
and I'll be right here screaming out loud
that I'd be better off not breathing
and I'll be right here screaming out loud
to recall that look in your eyes
I fell in love...
|
|
| Mathematics. |
[19 Aug 2009|03:14am] |
Hey kid, I love you.
I was scared, I still am, to be honest.
Because I'm at a critical stage...a turning point.
I'm still not on my feet again, you know that.
I don't know how long it will take, years, maybe even a lifetime.
But I know I don't want to waste the spaces in between.
Not anymore, not with you.
You're naive, and so restless.
You're young, and you show it.
But you're strong enough to care.
At least, to say you do.
Ohh boy.
You'll learn. You'll grow.
Just like me, just like me.
Maybe I can even teach you a few things, about how dark and shameless this existence truly is.
And maybe you can teach me...not to care so much. To be more...fearless.
Or maybe you could just teach me to feel something again.
To let go long enough to see how high I am.
To fall backwards, and let someone be there to catch me.
Maybe we'll grow to hate each other.
Maybe we'll grow into nothing but anger, and misshapen words.
But maybe...
Maybe we'll stick around.
Maybe we'll try, maybe this doesn't have to end.
We will learn, boy.
Just hold me again...
|
|
| Salt. |
[11 Aug 2009|12:21pm] |
I won't be nervous in a few months time. In a few months time, I may be who I want to be.
With the help of another, and the calling of what I wish I could be.
My knees get weak, and I am afraid.
This is too soon for this to be over.
Do you even feel as I feel?
I don't know.
Do I even feel as I think I do?
I think you could be what I need, boy. I think you could be everything I once thought would be perfect.
But with perfection comes great risk -- everybody wants something perfect.
I'll be better, I swear. Just give me time, and I'll get better.
I wish I had somewhere to be right now.
I wish I had some place to go.
I wish I had someone to be.
"And that's the field where most of it happened."
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